Star Wars Episode 3 Review

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  • On : May 19, 2005

“Within minutes, I will be posting my thoughts on the internet.”

I know we all remember and love the Star Wars Kid. Now get a good picture of him in your mind. Now imagine being surrounded by six hundred of him, weilding double bladed light sabers.

Dangerous? Yes. Hilarious? Yes. Sad? Maybe.

I love Star Wars more than most people but there are those who take it too far. Too far.

First, if you are reading this I want you to know I am going to give away important information. Spoilers if you will. So If you haven’t seen it, stop reading.

Now!

All right I warned you.

First of all, Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader. I warned you. Secondly, Senator Palpatine is The Emporer, Darth Sidious. It is only going to get worse from here so please stop reading, bookmark this page and come back later. You will watch it and I will tell you why. Star Wars is more than a space fantasy (it is not science fiction for all of you non-nerds). It has become a cultural movement. I don’t think there will be many Earthlings who aren’t going to see this movie.

Obi-Wan Kenobi cuts Anakin’s legs off and lights him on fire. There. I spoiled the only thing that could be considered a plot twist. After the movie, I heard a father and daughter discussing that scene.

“I can’t believe Obi-Wan cut off Anakin’s legs.”
“It was a logical plot point. I saw it coming”

Then I plugged my ears. I didn’t want my opinion of the movie to be ruined by an overzealous Star Wars fan. Through careful scientific observations I was able to determine several immutable laws of Star Wars fans (or “Galactic dickwads” as Cam my brother calls them. They are A.K.A. “Nerds”:

Law #1

The law of inverse attraction:

A fans ability and time on hand, to create a viable costume is inversely proportionate to their attractiveness.

Law #2

The law of Social Irregularity

Ones knowledge and love for Star Wars is determined solely by ones irregular ability to function in normal society.

Law #3

The law of melee luminescence

Whenever engaged in combat, all weapons must be self luminating.

Law #4

The law of inconsequential trivia

“Did you guys hear the news? Ewan Macgregor started training for his fight scenes four years ago.”

Law #5

The law of meaningless cheering

From now on, let’s not cheer for the rating screen. Just a suggestion.

Khyl “Kazy” Shumwazy challenged a Galactic Dickwad to a LightSaber duel in front of the entire auditorium. It wasn’t going well for him as his opponent had obviously studied the martial arts for several years preparing for this night. Khyl, apparantly defeated, hung his head and shame and walked towards the Hawkeye-esqu kid with the lightsaber down. Just as the robed dickwad went to take the saber from his hand, Khyl dropped it and slapped him accross the face. Then he ran away. That right there made the movie experience for me.

Maybe that swayed my opinion of the movie. But I thouroughly enjoyed it. It almost made up for Lucas’ collosal mistakes. Okay, no it didn’t. Not even close. We will never forgive you for episode one George… Never!

I say that slappping George’s face as I run away.

*Listened to as I wrote this:

  • Knocking on Heavens Door: Guns and Roses
  • Worrywart: Radiohead
  • Apocalypse Please: Muse

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