Dear Sirs,

It has come to my attention that you are all blathering morons who couldn’t run a company if that company was selling ways not to run a company. I have seen ineptitude but not on a scale as gratuitous as is the ineptness that oozes from the cracks of your corporate headquarters. The recommendation that I do so generously pass down to you is this: “Give up.” You can quote me on that and even use it as a corporate motto for the brief season before the universe urinates on your lingering embers.

The corporate world has been gracious enough not to kill you yet, but they will. Believe me they will. If they don’t it is truly the major failure of capitalism. Marx really should have included a chapter in his Communist Manifesto about your company. If the world knew capitalism would produce a company such as yours, the cold war never would have happened. The human race would collectively dismiss the capitalist philosophy and would have happily plunged into anarchy.

Apparently the corporate world has grown soft since the eighties. Where are the ’sharks’ I used to hear about who would buyout their mothers knitting business just to burn it to the ground? Because of this glaring lack of initiative, I would now like to recommend a suicide-murder. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of getting that order right. It is first suicide then murder. Try not to forget that. Perhaps that should be your corporate motto and perhaps you should hold a management meeting to ingrain that into your minds. This is one of those things that we just can’t have you screwing up; unlike every other endeavor you have put your hand to up until this point.

In conclusion, please cancel my subscription to Disney Insider, which is truly the dregs of the earth. Tell Ask Dave to burn slowly and painfully on a spit in the lowest depths of hell. Also, could you amputate everyone who has contributed to that newsletter so that they never again will write unabashed propaganda aimed at my impressionable children? At the very least force them to wear mittens, so that they can only mash a keyboard in disgust. Oh, and uncomfortable pants. Thanks in advance.

I would also appreciate it if you could liquidate your assets and donate them to underprivileged children, children’s hospitals and shelters and anywhere else there resides a young mind that you would otherwise degrade into a gelatinous substance unable to think for itself. You can also go ahead and pay reparations to every child who has purchased your princess lip-gloss and nail polish set, said product having been devised by satan himself. That should do it.

I know, and the universe as a whole agrees, that if you are able to follow the simple instructions included in this letter, you will be a credit to the human race.

Yours truly,

Ninjoe